JANuary_is_nICE

I received 2 big bags of presents..as we celebrated Teacher's Day quite early..this is the first Teacher's Day I had..feel so sweet when the students came up to you and gave u presents..and wish u happy teacher's day..

 

my presents..lots of them..some are ornaments..biscuits..fake flowers..notebooks..and one cushion somemore..i like all of them..but..where shd i put them? 2 huge bags..i'll try..really try to keep them in a very nice place..it's time for me to let go of some things..before i can grab onto other things..

 

Quite funny..that they wrote my name wrongly..some became xue2 lao shi instead of xue1..and some became su1..most of them in han yu pin yin..cos my name difficult to say..difficult to write..some call me wrong name..this and that..sigh..hee..all blur blur silly silly like me de..jialat..did i pass my blurness to them? i really really hope not..but..they're all becoming like me..bit by bit..and more and more students give me that silly smile..den..i really couldn't help it but to smile to myself..sometimes i really laugh at the things that they wrote for a long long time..sitting on my desk..keep on laughing for 5 min..10min..15min..half an hour..and i jus couldn't stop..their cuteness..sometimes..teaching them is tiring..cos no matter how many times i repeat..they stil make the same old mistakes..and tt's y sometimes quite dishearten..dono they din listen or forget..ya..i din blame them..and shdn't blame them..

 

I had a wonderful teacher's day..frenz wishing me happy teacher's day one by one..it's jus like..another birthday for me..ya..hee..it's not like any other festivals where they wish me..happy new year..merry christmas..and..this is the very first year..that ppl wish me happy teacher's day..it's..so special..cos not all ppl get this type of greetings..me..and only me..i mean..all the other teachers too..it's..so special..my first teacher's day..i'm glad i choose this career..it's not difficult to be a teacher..but continuing to be a teacher..is a difficult thing..and being a good teacher to the kids..is yet another difficult thing again..i like..to be a teacher..^_^

as it's psle oral these 2 days..i've been asked to guard the staircase..which is very sian..can't read books or anything..not many ppl wil be walking pass me..so wad i can do is to look up at the sky to see clouds..it's beautiful..and quite amazing too..but by looking at the clouds..i feel that my pace has slow down alot at that moment..can enjoy some peaceful silent in the heart..den..i started to look at things in diff view..or have thot of sth..there are 2 things which i myself have come to derive..it's how i feel ba..

 

on a PE day..i was wearing my sports attire..and i look more like students than teacher..den..i realise..wad's the diff between the kids and me..actually it's not about the body built..thou i'm really small built..but i guess it's more than that..adults tend to have a focus look..have a focused 眼神 ba..but i don..it's more of the charisma and character liao ba..

 

and den..i have another thought: share ur true colour to your students..but never ever show ur true colour to adults..esp those who are trying to gain power..it's jus how i feel la..show ur true colour with the kids..so that u can enjoy ur time spent with them..don put on any fake mask..there isn't a need to..u can have diff emotions..diff feelings..and express dem..but no matter wad..don be a fake when u're with them..they'll noe..kids are jus like tat..more of heart to heart with u..will tell u their things..and really really show their true self..cos they have nothing to hide from us too..they're kids man...

 

not like the adults world..they're are so many dos and dons until u're so sick of it..however i nvr ever try to hate a person anymore..there's once..only once that i really really hate a person before..and end up..the person has cancer and died..i felt so..regretful ba i shd say..hav a feeling that bcos i don like the person that's y become like tat..thou i'm not the cause of it..but den..u won feel good..den now..i don hate anyone.if i dislike someone..i'll jus try to stay away from the person..or neutral feeling..usually..the person that i see le den don like..very few..unless the person is really really up to sth..which i can sense it..unspokenly..sometimes..things are jus so amazing..tt sometimes to be able to sense things..glad tt it's there so that i have to be careful..if not i dono how to survive in this world w/o the help of some luck..

 

i felt so insecure aft the 2 days..in logical explanation is the sense of low confidence came back..cos i saw lotsa ppl..teachers..ard in sch..talking and smiling to me..while i smiled back..but when i smiled to some ppl.i jus feel that i'm like a vase..makes me look quite stupid if the person don smile back..but anyway..i always smile and smile de la..not logical explanation is i sense sth nt good lo..maybe i might be harm..or the atmosphere in sch is not good..whereby sth big will happen..sometimes i jus wonder if i jus worry too much..think too much..until sometimes i really got abit kee siao liao..

 

some ppl..i jus don clique with them..usually ppl will click with those with same frequency with them de ma rite..kids and elders not much of a problem..and den i'll have the tendency to be wary of ppl who is nt inside this 2 category lo..afternoon stil better..less teachers..less ppl..nt so bad..morning and afternoon atmosphere really diff..i'm stil doing fine in lower pri..even if got hiccups the teachers are nice enuff to help out..

 

i wish and hope that i'll nvr ever be inside in any of the politics..i jus wana be a simple teacher who can spend more time with the kids to see them excel academically and grow healthy with a healthy mindset..but somehow..the extra things in sch gets more and more and it's affecting the teaching curriculum and work..if teachers are rushing..students can sense it..and dey don do well..end up both suffer..i'm stil trying to set a suitable pace for them..and for me as well..with so many things here and dere..working mood affects ur whole day mood..and wil depend on wad u do..blah blah blah..all interlinked..

 

i think i shd be someone who can excel..jus that my low confidence supress my capability down ba..nex time if i have kids..i'll definitely try to let him or her be confident with themselves..than being bogged down..being scolded for being bad..stupid..it jus break their heart..and affect them..don wan them to be like me..forever no good..i oso don wana achieve that much..jus do wad i wan achieve can le..small achievement..small satisfaction..den big achievement..big disappointment..small satisfaction will accumulate to big ones..den wil feel good bout myself..nt like some ppl..earning big bucks..but don feel good and satisfied..wad for..wad for earn so much money den end up u're not happy..or even no time to enjoy the money u earn..really dono wad's the purpose leh..no meaning to it..i'll choose to be someone who is useful to the society..who focus more on others den myself..imagine..there's only u in the world..even if u achieve alot oso no use..tt's y must learn to share..enjoy wad u give others..den u'll oso enjoy wad others give u..

 

sigh..so much about life and my own enlightenment..end up din do anything for the kids..books to mark..but jus no mood to do it..hee..but shd be ok la..wil mark at the end of the day..

These days I’ve been crying almost everyday..cos it’s really too stress for me this week..every day is packed..even on sat and sun..mon nite temple..tue nite dinner..wed and thu band whole day..fri nite the only nite I can catch my sch work back..sat band again…and sun temple thing for whole day including dinner..sigh..i really feel so stress up..being alone..ppl can say gt dinner wif bf and left..while others in morning session left earlier..left me taking care of the kids..stay til quite late before the parent came to pick the gal up..sigh..oredi very tired..but if everyone so tired who’s gonna do things..jus do lo..

 

I’m feeling so sick..i wana go see doc..i oredi wanted to go see doc last week..say unil this week oso nvr go see..i need my antibiotics..i don wan mc I jus wan my pills to keep me strong..i’ve been taking lotsa medicine to press my cough down..and now there’s flu..

 

Saw in the drama..that if u wana help ppl..u need to help urself..wana save ppl..save urself first..if not end up everyone will end up taking lotsa heavy burden and jus sink together..ya..i’m trying to relax..but den I’m not stress up cos I got lotsa teaching stuff to do like mark books or set excerise paper..it’s all the meetings..admin work..this and that that’s making me cannot breath liao..i need some fresh air..i really need some fresh air..maybe it’s time for me to go down to the beach by myself and breath in more oxygen..now I noe how come some teacher wil nvr get married..keep focusing on children cos no other areas to focus on le ma..but like tat oso good..put hope on only children and not anything else..maybe it’s won hurt more ba..jus focus on the kids..and I’ll be fine..jus don get too overstress..

 

Jiayou!

On a rainy day...i was alone..at home...and the thing is..i was jus being told to settle lunch by myself..be it buy or cook...first time in history...i can cook maggi mee alone at home..and i can conclude that..i am started to be nelgected by them...and it oso imply that..they're not worried so much bout me anymore..cos i'm already old enuff to do wad i want..is it a good or bad thing?

 

alone at home on a rainy day..wad can u do..can only feel the loneliness..and so pathetic to mark compo correction on a sat rainy afternoon? alone by urself..luckily..there's good music to accompany me thruout this "process"...and being occupied by compo..i won be so sille to jus hide inside my bedroom and cry like last time..i guess i won do that.cos i won have that kind of time to do that anymore..now my focus is on students..

 

i jus receive my comment from my supervisor..she gave me very very good comment..that even my teacher in charge of me saw the comment and sms me and said i did a great job..i am being praised..i suddenly feel so cknowledged in a wierd way..cos i've nver been praised so much by any ppl..much less family members..i'm not humble or wad..cos i jus couldn't believe that my sup gave me such good comments..and the others envy me cos they don do as good as me this time round..i really need this praise actually..if not i'll go bonkers..cos i've really been struggling hard..shedding lotsa tears for all the things i've done and when the results thats shown always doesn't tally..it's jus so...sad..i always give my full effort on everything..i noe it's disappointing if the results doesn't show ur effort..and it's so tiring sleeping jus 4 to 5 hours a days for so many weeks..but this is the way out..the path that i've chosen..no matter results good or bad..it's oredi on the path..u can't avoid..u can't run away..the only thing u could do is to make things better for u so that the path won be so difficult to walk..

 

alone..loneliness..it's jus a thin line of difference..

when i reach home..no one welcomes me back..and sis is sitting at the sofa which i usually sit..and she slept there..i have no place for at home anymore..i have to understand the fact that..thou i'm the youngest..parents doting the youngest doesn't happen in our house..i'm jus a neglected child at home..even if i do anything..i won be able to catch their attention at all..all their attention is on themselves..and jus not on me..

 

i have everything i need..and i shdn't be too greedy..wad more can i wish for..wad more can i hope for..and wad more can i ask for? nothing..it's enuff..enuff of everything..but in my heart..i have nothing..nothing at all..i tried to drive ppl away from me..by hurting others..and hurting myself..wad for? and all i get is unhappiness..disappointment..and sadness..which can be found everywhere written on my face..but nobody tries to figure out y the look on my face..no one..cos i've drive them all away..

 

yes..i'm easily depressed..very easily depression..and my mood is the lowest now..very low..but no one will ever care..cos i myself drive them all away..i've drive my happiness away from me..do i regret? wad for regret as this is my own action..

 

do i noe...where i'm going to..do i like the things that likfe is showing me...where am i a going to..do i noe..do i get...wad i'm hoping for..when i look behind me there's no open dor..wad am i hoping for...do i noe..i dono..